reprise.

Challenge yourself and find determination in the smallest of downfalls. I found it as a way to modestly challenge myself to try even harder at everything I already do. Ironically finding sleep as my only remedy when at this moment sleep was my worst enemy. My mind seemed to flutter through polluted streams of the world surrounding me. There was a break from what was thought to be my dreams to reality. Imminent fate came walking with a trip to the hospital that one fine morning of February 2nd, 2009. At once I thought my fall became just a small stumble until I sat there in room 91 against the wall trying to come back to earth. When I thought the world was crashing down, it was me catching up to it. Half of me seemed to be with the people that day asking me if I knew who I was, and the other half seemed to have reached near nirvana. I saw it as a reprise.
Yet you question yourself what happened on that fine morning? Simply put the cycling mind focused mainly on the obstacles rather than the picture and from that, the horizon seemed to stop dead in its tracks for a decent second. The cogs in my brain that forked correctly with my eyes incorrectly met my sign for the need of rest. I fell, and I fell hard. “I’ve fallen plenty of times in the past, but never this hard.” As soon as someone grasped onto that quote that I whimpered out that day I realized, we all fall, but how hard exactly? That day I’ve experienced flashback then a flash forward, then another forward to reality.
“Today is, February 2nd 2009, and my name is Joshua Conanan, and I have fallen of my bike..Okay, repeat please.” These were the very words that kept me awake, from falling into complete nirvana. Pain wasn’t pain anymore; it was just a reason to have someone feed me a wheelchair. Overall I was just tired, I just wanted to sleep. The best I can recall was waking up that fine morning dressing in something more casual than usual never knowing if someone will notice me. I checked the weather and flung my car keys to the corner of my backpack; “I’m going to bicycle to school today.“ I always found it as a way to stay in shape and keep myself motivated to push. As I got the two bottles of Vitamin waters to fit in the net casing of my bag I finally was off. It seemed easy, telling myself, “I’ve done this plenty of times, today is just another day.” However, it was always that one hill, the hill before I hit my school. Okay, before I arrive at my accident let me add that I was told that it’s dangerous to bicycle without pedal straps. You see, the kind of bike I had was a fixed gear bike. These bikes only run on one gear. Hence, the pedals move constantly when the rear wheel does (it’s just simple physics) and bicycling without pedal straps is just like writing your own incident report; you can lose control in one slip of a foot. Even though I felt fine without pedal straps I continued speeding down the hill. My bicycle luckily has breaks so I can slow down when I need to, however, this particular day I felt as if I was still dreaming, half of my body was here on earth speeding down Georgia Street and the other was at home sleeping to my alarm, so my eyes were set on getting to school early not surviving. I can estimate that I was going at about 30 mph, I was comfortable with this speed, but then again I wasn’t myself. Slip. I pressured the break. Skidded forward and fell head first; and let’s just say that’s all I remember of that. I don’t remember how I fell, only that I got right back up didn’t even recollect at what just happened. I was then awakened, but when the horizon moved once I got up I felt the sudden urge to beat it to the bell. I got up back on my bicycle and rode back to school. I was floating and my eyes were dead on in front of me, my hands red as the very sun that woke me up this morning. “Dude, you look really pale,” my friend in a comedic tone told me. I snickered replying, “I know,” because that was all I can accumulate. I sat down; clasping for all the air a small being like had the capability to in a polluted world like this. I needed help, but I didn’t want help. For I convinced myself this was just a bad fall, and I can get over it. It’s all psychological and help will come later. After the first period of school I stumbled my way to room 91 where Ms. J sat me down and called the administrators; and I believe this is where we left off, sitting on that floor repeating those words. I was soon brought to the hospital where I was feed the wheelchair and feed the vomit bag. No intake meant not having an outward receiving end. I didn’t eat and my headache was beginning to pound harder than the footsteps on a second story platform. They laid me on the white, comfy hospital bed, took a CAT (CT) scan and put some weird tubes and needles in me. I felt like an injured test subject. I just wanted to sleep. “Josh, how are you feeling? Bad, can I sleep now? Yes, you can sleep now. Thank you.”
During the sleep my mind finally tag-teamed with my body, and I was “home.” However, my sleep was different from all the rest, I’m not much of a sleeper, but I know this was different. I was incomplete deep sleep, nirvana, and complete harmony with my surrounding terrain. When the fall pertains to such a hobby why give up in future activities. Plan ahead and let your plans unfold before you. Don’t cry out to the world, cry out to your broken wrist, write the sins on the very tip of your injured temple and let the fall carry you deeper to peace. Once you have tried hard enough, you can convince to your very self that only the smallest lamp post shines in one area, but let the dark be the reason to the break the limiting boundaries of your capabilities. I found my broken wrist, my many abrasions, my concussion, which lead to constant headaches, a reason to shut up and sleep; to rise up and praise my existence, and to not find myself stubborn but persistent and determined in nothing. Hope of preventing this hospital visit was a raindrop shy of my slippery right pedal. Remember not to only fall hard, but do it with dignity. Only the great can get up saying they can find better in this, and only the hopeless can only find, well, hopelessness. Activate the activeness of your willpower and deactivate the negative circuits of your nuisance soul. This isn’t a lesson in bicycle riding, but mere determination to find hope in nothing when a mindset like the very influenced is to believe in only downfall. Also, wear a helmet.